Hey everyone !
I’m Nicolas and today I’m going to talk about an important subject for all the non-vegan guys who try to date vegan girls. I was in this situation too before I became vegan myself (yes, I became vegan out of love, that’s so cute I know…) and I’ve tried several times to date a vegan girl. Of course, as a French wannabe player meat-eating alpha male, I made a lot of mistakes (some worse than others) and I don’t want my fellow guys to reproduce it for the good of everyone (you’ll thank me later vegan ladies). Let’s start !
- Don’t try to argue about her diet and her lifestyle
Just remember a few facts : it’s a date, not a debate. She heard all your points a hundred time in her life (probably even several times today) and the killer argument you want to say is not really relevant nor original. If you deeply think that human beings are made to eat meat, just keep it to yourself if you don’t want to enjoy your innate knowledge alone in your room Einstein.
Her after 20 minutes in your company
- Don’t use sexual induced vegetable jokes
Telling her that you have a big cucumber waiting for her in your pants (or an asparagus, or a little red bean depending on your mensurations) won’t do any good. I know it’s tempting and that there are a lot of cool variations possible but save it for when you are intimate enough that she will handle your losers' jokes easily because she knows you have a lot of other qualities.
Yes, there are a lot of possible variations indeed
- Don’t invite her to McDonald’s for the first date
As a matter of fact, don’t invite her to McDonald’s for the first date even if she is not vegan. You can always go later with your friends to celebrate the end of your 3 month sexual drought, you winner !
- Don’t invite her to a Cheese bar either
Maybe you read the previous point and thought to yourself « I’m too refined for this, I am gonna take her to a cheese bar I know and she is going to see how cool I am ! ». Vegans don’t eat anything that come from animals so that is a really stupid idea young hipster.
The hipster angle could work but you're doing it wrong
- Don’t pick her up with your highly polluting Hummer
Yes I know, you’re gonna tell me « But I did save money to get that baby so I can get pussies! » you poet. But the vegans care a lot about environment and you’ll just make a fool of yourself by showing off this way. Besides, everybody knows you bought that car to compensate for something very, very small you don’t walk to talk about.
You should have bought an electric bicycle instead
- Don’t try to impress her by telling her how much meat you can eat
Nobody cares, like really nobody in the entire world. At worst, your animal fat surplus and the blood pressure problems the big meat eaters encounter can only hint at a pretty low level of sexual performance so don’t talk about it. You could say you’re a big fish eater to give you a catlike and feline style but it won’t work better, so just talk about something else.
Number of people who care about you and what you say
- Don’t put your prettier buffalo leather jacket to go to the date
Vegans don’t use, wear or consume anything that comes from animal and that includes leather. I know you feel unstoppable when you wear it and that you think you have the swagger of James Dean in « Rebel Without a Cause » but it is not the right time. Don’t worry my friend, you still have a lot of sex appeal with your white tank top and your animal cruelty-free santiags. Come and get her tiger !
Cool leather jacket bro
- If she tells you she thinks pigs are cute, don’t make a bacon joke
It was never funny to start with, it is not original and you won’t look like a spirited and smart person. In fact, if you do this type of joke when dating a vegan, I will personnaly come and slap you myself as you are ashaming the dating men community and make all of us look bad with your overused jokes.
Don't make me do it
- Don’t call her a hippie, a tree-hugger or any anti-ecologist term
You might think you’re cool and edgy but it makes you look like Donald Trump without the billions of dollars, which isn’t attractive to women, especially if they are vegan. If you want to « grab her by the pussy » like a republican boss you’ll have to be more subtle.
You'll get there, son
- Don’t tell her bad things about the Vegan Love Apparel clothing brand
At the time I write this article, she probably never heard of this brand as it just launched but she will remember it in the future when she wears those unique tank tops, t-shirts or tote bags and she will resent you for years. Yes this is blatant advertising but I do what I want as I am the writer of this article.
This avocado will be the new symbol of your success with vegan women
Nice try champ
That’s all my friends ! Follow these advices and you won’t have a 100% chance of failure when dating a vegan woman. I was pretty harsh sometimes in my article but it is because I love all of you and I support you in your quest for vegan ladies ! Just see me as your spiritual and benevolent sensei.
Go and get her, I’m with you in spirit !